Not Food: Processed Meat Recall Edition

Listeria outbreak! How do you know if what you're eating might be processed foodstuffs? Do the words on the packaging even remotely sound like food? Among the many gems on the extensive recall list are:

- Maple Leaf Ezee Sub Dagwood Yeah...not food.

- Foodservice Meat Institution-grade no-frills protein.

- Shopsys Old Vienna All Beef Salami This sounds like the creepy old octagenarian next door who's always staring at you through your window.

- Boston Pizza Slow Cooked Shaved Roast Beef Just pause and say those words slowly in your head. How do any of these words go together?

- Generic Compliments Cooked Ham The ham? It was ok. Give my generic regards to the chef.

- Burns Burns Regular Summer MP 3's I can haz mixtape now now?

- Mr. Sub Corned Beef 'Cuz when I want corned beef, I think of Mr. Sub.

- Coorsh Smoked Meat Issh schmoked schmeeesh, of coorsh.

- Equality Cooked Ham Gender parity meat means either sex has equal opportunity to contract listeria poisoning.

- Sub Delicious Meat Pita Sandwich Twist Is it a pita? A sandwich? A twist?

- Sub Delicious Belly Buster Club Sub This sounds painful and less-than-yummy.

- Needs Clubhouse Sandwich on Ciabatta I got needs. Ciabatta-related needs.

- Burns Bung Bologna I kid you not.

Not Food: Olympics Edition

Nastia Liukin may be the decorated favorite, but she hasn't got a butter statue of her like Shawn Johnson does.

We've all heard about superfreak Michael Phelps' 12,000 calorie per day diet. Pizza, French toast, chocolate-chip pancakes, omelets, oh my! A brave soul tries it out. If Phelps wants to add to his list of endorsements he could also plug McD's cheeseburgers. McD's--it's the Disneyland meal for Olympic winners!

Not Food: Chocolate Edition

While my stomach recuperates from a week of too much eating out, this Non-Food Roundup is all about chocolate. I'm sure a chocolate keyboard hampers productivity if anything, but it'll be a lovely counterpart to your chocolate printer! The printer's not made of chocolate, it only prints with chocolate. Write your sweet missives with delicious dark cocoa...the awesome folks at Instructables have a how-to on making your own.

Lastly, this was a year ago but oh sweet lord how I wished I could've seen it. By Jesus, if the thing wasn't behind glass I'm sure even a week's worth of visitors would've given new meaning to the Eucharist.

Not Food

I used to really love cereal. But not this much. Shouldn't I be clipping UPC's off boxes for this stuff? This could be a Fear Factor challenge--wear any of these outfits for a day and try to not get beat up. By 8 year olds.

The fact that these are also not food barely deters me from immediate consumption. Cuteness overload, they look like something straight out of Yoshi's Story

Hungry? When the pitiful whine of your pansy-ass empty stomach can only be silenced by a loud Carb-BOOM! In Vanilla-Orange, no less. Follow that with a Double Latte chaser, and you're set. What's that you say? You still have room for a cheeseburger in a can? Ok, but it's your funeral, buddy.

This Week's Non-Food Roundup

Wishing your favorite breakfast food could be more phallic? Wish no more!

Kraft bagel tubes! All those wasted hours in my lifetime spent arduously spreading cream cheese--regained! If only all my foodstuffs could come in tube form; then my life would be complete! It truly is a $100 million idea!


Tired of having your food cooked via such primitive methods as gas ovens, cast iron grills and spits? We're living in the 21st century, right? Why the fuck am I still seasoning pans and scrubbing pots? Why isn't everything made of silicone and microwaveable already? And where is my goddamn robot butler?!?

Stouffers microwaveable "My Favorite Frozen Panini"s will make you feel like the modern (wo)man that you are! Everything should be nukeable--everything should be disposable. All enriched white flour bread should magically defy soggification in the microwave and yet retain its surface integrity in spite of its close proximity to the humidity of melting oil-based "cheese".


The future is NOW (and by "now" I mean, 2 years ago): Instant hot lattes in a can. Wolfgang Puck, get the fuck out of my head and into my car! Surviving consumers don't dislike it!