This Week's Non-Food Roundup

Wishing your favorite breakfast food could be more phallic? Wish no more!

Kraft bagel tubes! All those wasted hours in my lifetime spent arduously spreading cream cheese--regained! If only all my foodstuffs could come in tube form; then my life would be complete! It truly is a $100 million idea!

Tired of having your food cooked via such primitive methods as gas ovens, cast iron grills and spits? We're living in the 21st century, right? Why the fuck am I still seasoning pans and scrubbing pots? Why isn't everything made of silicone and microwaveable already? And where is my goddamn robot butler?!?

Stouffers microwaveable "My Favorite Frozen Panini"s will make you feel like the modern (wo)man that you are! Everything should be nukeable--everything should be disposable. All enriched white flour bread should magically defy soggification in the microwave and yet retain its surface integrity in spite of its close proximity to the humidity of melting oil-based "cheese".

The future is NOW (and by "now" I mean, 2 years ago): Instant hot lattes in a can. Wolfgang Puck, get the fuck out of my head and into my car! Surviving consumers don't dislike it!